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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
Don`t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex`s name tattooed.
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
Im switching some friends from my Facebook account to my Fakebook account.