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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!