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Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.