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Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
There`s no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
Keep honking. I´m reloading.
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.