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The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
I wish that life had an option for viewing other available episodes.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.