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I can`t tell them apart, was that Milli or Vanilli doing the sign language at Madela`s funeral?
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
Am I the only one that always puts my wallet back into my pocket before getting my change back?
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.