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If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
in 2014 there were times when I annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you and bugged the hell out of you. Today i wanna let you know that i planned to continue with it this year :-)
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.