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Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
Actually told a girl who`s moving to France soon that "there`s lots of French people over there". It`s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)