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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
I wish I had a friend like me
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
I really have important work to get done, but I really just want to sit here and complete a quiz on what percentage redneck I am..
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
When you`re down about your body image just type "fat people" into Google images, always makes me feel better!:)
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night ... Especially as I walked there in the first place.
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
Life`s short ... Drink fast
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.