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Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.