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I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!