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Hair pulling during sex is hot ... unless the whole wig comes off.
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
This "NORMAL" you speak of, doesn`t sound fun at all.
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
This bar doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.