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You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
I`m starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.