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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel, that`s why I like you.
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
50% of people believe s@x is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are guys
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
It`s finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Don´t be stupid, it´s not smart.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.