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I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
gone fishing ¸.·´¯`·.¸><((((º>
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.