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Occasionally, I like to agree with a man just to watch the look of fear, confusion and nervous-anxiety.
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.