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I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I hav 10 fingers bt i usd only.. the thumb to write this...!
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
My package finally came today. this is awesome....it means I have bubble wrap to play with
Home: The place where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I hate fake people...especially the ones at the mall advertising clothes in front of the stores