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I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
Today`s Generation: "Omg my parents never let me have anything." via iPhone
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
This woman just flipped me off and I couldn`t agree more.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.