Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
I`ve robbed banks before...and they`re never getting their pens back.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."