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If gas prices keep going up I`m cutting off the bottom of my car and I`m "Flintstoning" That mf!
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"