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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
You know what they say about men with big feet ;)..........We always have trouble finding shoes that fit.
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.
Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.