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Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
Quick Hide! Monday is Coming!!
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I`m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
Just another day of not being rich and famous.
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......