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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
You guys ever trip out on the fact that Indian people eat Indian food for breakfast?
Sometimes I wish I could officially change "Hump Day" into "Smack-A-Dumb-Bitch-In-The-Face" Day.
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
Not one back to school special on beer. What kind of world do we live in.
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?