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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
Vodka is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
Facebook is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.