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All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.