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I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats