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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
Don`t sugar-coat it, I`ll just lick that off....
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.