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I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
I`m an accident looking for a place to happen!
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?