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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
Insert coin to view my status message.
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
pumpkin for sale, slightly used
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Did you know? If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Packman!