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Every time i see a person kneeling over tying their shoe, i run up behind them and hop over them to try and get a game of leapfrog going.
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Is it just me or doesn`t anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
No. My hair magically got shorter.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time