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Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...