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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
Hey micky you`re so fine, you`re so fine you blow my mind hey micky! hey micky! Admit it, you didnt read it, you sang it
The Patriots defensive coverage was almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.
I’m tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”