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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
My internet addiction is getting alt of ctl.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn`t hear you the first 100 times.
I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.