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It’s annoying when Netflix keeps stopping to buffer. Stupid neighbors just won’t upgrade their WiFi.
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.