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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
"Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It`s my first summer.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn`t mean I`m stalking you...It just means you haven`t looked nice in awhile
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.