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Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
Breaking News: I took a bath today
I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
I`ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.