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There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
Home is where a man hangs his hat. Unless that man is wearing a sun visor. Then he probably dosent have a home or friends..
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.