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Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?