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Happy New Years Everyone! (I stole this status:) )
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
Still waiting for the moment when there will be a "add to wishlist" button on people`s facebook profile !!
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…