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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
What do you mean this posting of the BBQ ribs you made is not an invite?
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.