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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
Alex, I`ll take WTF for a $1000
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
thinks it`ll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!
It was so cold out today i actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.