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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
Iām not a picky eater or anything but I will look at both sides of a Dorito before I eat it to decide if its got a good cheesy dust ratio.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
I`m tough and can take whatever life throws at me ... Especially if its dipped in chocolate first.
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
Being unsure has never stopped me from making a decision.