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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
How to Train Your Dragon offers no practical dragon training information. NONE. Zero stars.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.