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just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
bitches want what they cant have..or thats what I keep telling myself
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
I laugh in the face of normal.
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
The problem in general terms is that people suck.
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.