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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
I`ve ended up encountering much less porridge than I had expected I would as a child.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
I hate when I accidentally eat everything in sight.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.