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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
"They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
The best things in life require no pants.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
When I think of you I touch myself ... On my temples ... You give me a migraine.
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
When do you take 5 hr energy? Right when I get off work ..12am!..beer here I come!
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."