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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
Hello is this HP? Iād like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.
Facebook where I am surrounded with people but still no one can see me biting my toe nails or picking my nose :-D