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Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"