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If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
Diet plan: make friends fatter
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
I refuse to jump on the `I hate Mondays` bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
How long does it take to get obsessed?