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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
The naughty me makes the nice me giggle.
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Come on Facebook friends. Be honest with me. Does my butt make my pants look fat?
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
“I saw that.” -Karma
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but I’m trying to be proactive.
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.