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The only "B" word you should call a woman is "beautiful"... B!tches love being called beautiful.
I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I’m heading north to start a new life.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"