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You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
I may be stupid but im also dumb! :D
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.