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More food should come with prizes inside it.
A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
Do you know what would really be fun? ... No really.. If you know, tell me.. I`m bored to death.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
I`m so in Debt, I could start a Government.
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.