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If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don`t know if I`m kidding or not.
Porn Spoiler.......The plumber doesn`t fix the leak in the kitchen sink...
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.