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When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
I want to be something scary for Halloween so I am going as a positive pregnancy test......
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
Weekends r like d salary.. It takes a lot to get thr, & whn it finally does, it`s over in no time ;) - aa
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.