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I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
Sometimes, you wonder what the hell the music video has to do with the song.
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom